It's tough to be a man.  Not that women have it easier than men, but that the natural tendencies of men tend to bring out contradictions between intentions and results.  For example: a wife comes to her husband in tears about how someone at the office has been treating her, and the husband, wanting to come to the rescue of his wife, will instinctively want to give her a list of ways to fight back, or ways she should be acting in response to what is happening.  The result of all this helpfulness is either the wife will react defensively in which case an argument may ensue, or the wife may just "give up" emotionally with the feeling that her husband is "out of touch" with her.  For his part, the man is confused and is usually left wondering what went wrong.

Whether it is with a spouse or with children, men want to be the hero who comes to the rescue, but often ends up the villain perpetuating and reinforcing whatever problem was brought to his attention to begin with.  He may even become part of the problem, even though this was most assuredly never his intention.  What really is going on?  How can a man break the cycle?

I am well versed with these questions because I am well versed in being a man of the male variety in my own home.  Whether it is with my own wife or one of my two daughters, I have found myself frustrated by being caught between the desire to be a real help to my family, and sorely failing.  When they are feeling down, it seems I cannot find the right words to cheer them up.  When I try to shake them up, they look at me as though I were from another planet with no connection to them whatsoever.

Though I have heard the words and read many articles over this, it has taken many years of marriage and countless interactions to finally sink in: before you can really help anyone, they need to know you understand.

It's not that you agree with them, but that in some way, you come around to their perspective and begin to see the place from where their own emotions are being developed.  You begin to see why they are frustrated, and see in a way that you understand.  You being to see why they feel the way they feel, why they say the things they say, and why they do the things they do.  You somehow get to this point, and then communicate to them that you understand.  "I get it" is the message you want to convey.

From there, you now have the opportunity to talk with them instead of talking at them.  Now you have the possibility of coming along side them to be an encouragement to offer hope, rather than an outsider who throws comments and advice at them to do this or that.  When you truly understand someone, and can communicate that understanding to them, you are perceived as someone who is working along side them, and they will see you as someone who is lending your strength to theirs to move forward.  In short, when you understand first, then you can offer hope.

Being able to communicate you understand is not easy.  It the difference between yelling at someone and trying to direct them out of harms way, and actually coming alongside them physically, wrapping their arm over your shoulder, and lifting them up as you help them limp along out of harms way.  Understanding, at it's root, is compassion; co-suffering with someone else, and leading them to a better place.  Understanding the value of understanding is one thing, and putting it into practice difficult.  However, when you practice understanding with regularity, you will find the relationships you have now will become much deeper and stronger than you thought they could be.

Our house has recently become a way station for lizards.  You know, the small Anole type lizards you see scurrying around outside?  Well now we have them in our house.  What is more, these little green travelers are here by invitation.  You see, my daughter loves catching them, but keeping them healthy and alive can be challenging.  In the past, we have allowed her to catch them and keep them overnight in her little lizard habitat, but in the morning she would have to release them.  I could always tell it was a little bitter-sweet for her to let them go, but it was best.

Watching her let a lizard go one night, I asked myself how I could make this bitter-sweet moment into something more.  That night I sat and talked with my daughter about lizards, and just started asking questions.  As she talked, it became evident that what she knew about lizards was very little, but that she wanted to know more was also evident.  So, I went to my office in the house and sat at my computer.  Reflecting back on my conversation I drew up a list of questions, or things we would like to know about lizards, and put them with blanks next to the questions.  In effect, we came up with a "Catch & Release Report" that she could now perform whenever she caught a lizard.

With the first catch, we went through the process of measuring its length, measuring it on a gram scale, taking pictures of it, noting the time of day and outside temperature, and other factual data.  There was also a couple of places just for observation and even a page where there was a blank outline of a lizard so she could color and put in details about the lizard she noted on her own.

My daughter is suddenly very excited about lizards.  Before, she caught them because they were a novelty, and now that she is asking questions, her mind has opened up and she is seeing lizards in ways she had never seen them before.  She is able to make comparisons in size, color, temperament, and physical details.  She is learning.  Why?  Because she is asking.

This may not sound like such a big deal, but it is an important lesson for everyone in all walks of life, and in the Christian life as well.  There is no end of learning until you stop asking questions.  If you want to learn how to improve your relationship with your spouse, stop having all the answers and start asking questions.  If you want to learn how to improve communication between you and a coworker or your own child, start by asking questions.  It is such a small, little word, but has so much power when applied.

When you pray, stop for a moment and ask yourself: am I praying for what I want because I think I have the answers to my own problems?  What if you stopped having the answers?  What if you simply opened your heart and prayed along the lines of asking God for His answers to your problems?  How would that change how you relate to God?  How would that affect the way you live your life?  Ask.

Ever know someone who never met a stranger?  That is my oldest daughter.  Ever since she was a baby, anyone could hold her and she simply did not seem to care or mind.  Most children, when taken from their mother, will start to reach out and cry to get back to their mom.  My oldest never did that.  In fact, it actually became quite worrisome for me and my wife.  Literally anyone could have walked away with her, and she would have gone with them without so much as a whimper.  These days, I think we've managed to instill in her a healthy respect for strangers, but she still has the same personality.

When I think about what my daughter will be like when she grows up, I think back to when I was a child with a neighbor who was always very outgoing and friendly.  She had a son my age, and whenever I would go over to his house she would answer the door and say, "Well look who finally arrived!  We've been expecting you!  Come on in and have a cookie.  Where have you been and what have you been up to?"  What a wonderful way to greet and be greeted.  I always felt welcome there.  I also remember the days after they moved away.  Even with all the people who lived around us, I remember how empty the neighborhood seemed after that.

The world is full of people that go unknown.  We pass them as we walk through the mall, we shop with them in stores, and we drive down the road with them without ever acknowledging them.  It is the rest of the world we live in.  It is a world full of people yet so very empty.  It is a wall of relational separation.  We do not know them.  They do not know us.  So, we will have nothing to do with them.

This wall of separation is what Jesus broke down many times.  He went to the woman at the well and spoke with her.  He spoke to a man who had climbed up a tree.  Over and over again he went to the strangers of the world, looked them in the eye, and communicated on some level - "I know you."

I think it is a great example of what we might be able to accomplish as Christians in this world.  Many times we do not know what to do or what to say or how to act when talking with someone we do not know, and that is part of the problem.  Maybe it is just a sign of the times we live in, but the walls of relational separation between individuals in this world have grown thicker.  The message we are communicating, whether intentional or not, is "I don't know you.  You are not welcome here."

Next time, when God speaks to your heart about talking with someone, try to imagine how they might feel if someone they knew walked up to them and said hello.  At that moment, just before you speak and just after you have looked them in the eye, think to yourself "I know you" and see where the conversation goes.