New Year’s resolutions … and beating the odds … and as of Saturday night late, I had a clean slate in my steely resolve to clean up my act and be a better person …

For your inspiration, a few cases in point … * * * I HAVE not jumped out of a perfectly good airplane or a bad one for that matter in the New Year. This has been one of my easier resolutions in that I’ve been in more airplanes than a Delta pilot, but actually haven’t flown since March of last year.

— I have not challenged an elephant to a tug-of-war, bearded a lion in his den, nor tested my hand in an alligator’s jaws. Back in my natural prime, I may have been dumb enough to do both. The blonde says I used to be crazy, but the years have increased my fear of danger even if my mental health hasn’t changed all that much.

— I have not looked at this month’s Visa bill because I have no desire to know what we spent this Christmas. I actually made that resolution mid-day Christmas Eve when the blonde began piling presents under the tree. The bill is on the counter with a note attached saying “This one is for you to write, not me.” I’m confident she will take care of it in that it provides access to all things wonderful at such places as Wakefield’s, Dillard’s, and T. J. Maxx. There are a number of others, but space here is limited.

* * * MY LAST WILL and testament remains the same as of midnight Dec. 31, which means “son” is still “heir.” A resolution is it remain that way ’til the curtain falls, but there are times he teams up with his mother to keep me from even the smallest of pleasures that my heart desires. I’ve become sort of attached to the “kid” over the years, but he really does need to take “Pop’s” side just once before I take my last ride.

— One resolution is I will not let any smooth car man talk me into trading cars this year. My auto is a white 2003 Ford Taurus. It still gets me to the doctor, the chiropractor, the dentist, Jack’s, Walmart, and church on Sunday. Besides, there’s that aforementioned Visa bill on the counter.

— The day after Christmas, I made a resolution to NOT eat black-eyed peas New Year’s Day. I had turnip greens and cornbread, but NO black-eyed peas. The story behind that is grandson number one had requested black-eyed peas for our Christmas Eve meal. We had enough black-eyed peas left over to feed half of Talladega. I really don’t care if I never see another black-keyed pea.

* * * A KEEPER is a resolution to not worry when someone says, “You’ve told me that story before.” It has come to me that as the years advance, less and less happens to you so there are no new stories to tell. So I’ve resolved to keep talking and not worry whether “my story” is brand new or old hat.

— Among my more solid resolutions is to read more, watch whatever I want to on the tube, keep on taking my afternoon nap (don’t call me, I’ll call you … when I wake up), and put Willie ’n Merle on the stereo whenever I want (that’s when I’m out in my barn and the blonde is in the house watching a home improvement program).

— More and more I am drawn toward a life style that qualifies me as a member in good standing as “Sorry White Trash.” I have resolved to quit fighting a drift into a totally useless, but very comfortable lifestyle.

— Finally, I have resolved to make NO resolution I can’t keep. You may note I made no resolution to lose weight, white socks, or give up grease as the foundation of my diet. You may call that the easy way out, I call it the smart way to do exactly what you say you will do. Being true to thine own self just ain’t that hard …

George Smith can be reached at 256-239-5286 or email: gsmith731@gmail.com